We smoke ~7x daily and have no money — do I out our lifestyle to family? Entertaining story maybe?

LONG STORY. Ok so here is the deal.... I only smoked 3 times prior to my current GF

Tell me if I’m crazy.


Time 1: I’m 25. One puff with former GF. She doesn’t smoke (and didn’t that time) but it was offered by these older people who were offering a room for rent (2010ish). Come to find out they wanted my GF for a threesome and the woman was a raging alcoholic. The guy was a tow truck driver pot head. Anyway I took one puff and lost all sense of time — thought I had been sitting there 5 minutes but it had actually been hours with those 3 conversating and watching tv. My girl friend guided me to our room and asked something about if I like to have sex while drunk (for just me and her lol)...she pulled my shorts down and felt me not hard at all and said guess not. We went to bed. The next day is when my gf found out about the 3some plans. I had taken the old lady to the liquor store (crazy conversation) and when we get back her old biker looking friend lady showed up surprising my GF with talk of feeling her new DDs+. My GF was like yeah I felt one just to see (she wanted some). Anyway we quickly packed up and hit the road.

Time 2 I’m 29: I smoked half a bowl from a bowl that a friend at the gym gave me to try weed (not sure how it came up). My relationship had gone bad so I said why not. One night when my GF and daughter were sleeping I decided to do it in our somewhat large detached garage. THIS was the scariest moment of my LIFE. Unbearable thoughts scared me out of my head... like violence and a sense of losing control over my actions...with “real” feelings of violence and crime I had ALREADY committed (I won’t give the details but bad stuff)...and the fear of the cops coming. I paced, cried and laid on the floor of a cold garage floor for for hours. I was scared to DEATH. I guess you’d say a break from reality. I somehow blanked out and committed these terrible crimes, my family was ruined and I could almost hear the sirens coming for me. I screwed up my life FOREVER. I was going to be all in the papers and I’d be locked away for life for just taking two puffs of that bowl. The thoughts would NOT stop. I think it was probably 4 or 5 hours before I could calm down and walk back in the house.

Time 3 — I’m with this girl from pof that I’m not really attracted to. Drink a few beers on the deck with 3 of her friends for a few hours. Finally when it’s just me and her I say let’s go inside wink. Little did I know her fat friend would join us. Smoke a joint with her and her fat friend girl on her bed. I almost instantly start having feelings that I’m going to lose control of my words and actions with the first puff. I kinda of thought racing though my head. I’m panicked on the inside but someone keep things looking normal. I have thoughts though that had already done stuff. I even had thoughts that I was about to ask to bang both of them right then. I feel I’m about to lose control and just say let’s do XYZ y’all. We passed the little joint around while drinking another beer or two (never a drinker either). Anyway somehow what was probably 2 hours of mindless conversation winds down and the heavy friend goes off to her room...maybe 2am. Now at this point me and the girl are laying in her bed while I still have panicked thoughts of things I was about to say or do or had already done. Somehow we get around to cuddling and proceed to have sex...not to get graphic but anal too. Then missionary...I lost control of my mind and went for hours...maybe 4 hrs (this had NEVER been me)...hell maybe in the same exact position. All while I was doing this I was having crazy thoughts that I was going to care for her children as my own and we were going to have a family (her kids were asleep on the couch in the living room). Us becoming a family made me even hornier so I kept going. Anyway at some point she started saying we need to stop but I was pumping and my blood was flowing like never before. So we stop and she’s like I’m going to bed...but I’m like why. And she says you know why. So we lay there in her bed and my panicked thoughts start racing....I became convinced that she thought I raped her. She fell asleep but I laid there in the bed beside her panicked for hours. I even worked up the courage to ask “let’s go again” hoping that if she said yea it meant I didn’t rape her. She said no. Anyway we lay in bed for hours more until I started coming back to reality judging by her actions that she didn’t think that. We watched some early morning tv and since I wasn’t in to her at all and felt bad for even sleeping with her...I said I gotta go, said our goodbyes and she walked me out.


Time 4-now: I’m 33. Current GF. We got together and a week in I said yeah I’d smoke right now if I knew where to get it. She was instantly down and said she knew someone — we smoked and bam I was off to the races. Little did I know she had smoked heavily for the last 10-12 years...like 5+ time 7 days/week. Anyway, the sex stuff started again and for about 6 months I would have sex for 3 or 4 or even 5 hours. I’ve never experienced something like this in my life. Sweat pouring like Patrick Ewing — almost forcing her into 2 or 3 or 5 orgasms even after she initially said let’s stop. I did ALL the work and didn’t want anything done to me. EVERYTHING was amazing for a year. I had to have sex for 2-3+ hours once a day. Beautiful loving thoughts would enter my head and make me even hornier. I seriously got more high than anyone we knew had ever heard of (she knows several “stoners”). I would get crazy. I would yell crazy stuff out the door for hours....I’d make up insane stories about multiple people living in me (4 people I fixated on were Bobby, Vinny, Bob Saget, “the 5th” (evil) and “Bob Ross’s mind). These were all separate “people” with personalities). I even had incredible feelings of connection with god that would actually give me chills or make me cry. My highs would almost completely throw me out of my mind for hours. I would talk constantly for hours on end....energy through the roof and could sit still.

I guess my GF enjoyed that person enough to stay with me.

Now, after 2.5 years of smoking 6-7x daily and spending untold amounts of money (plus gas and wear on car) — I don’t really get high anymore. I have what feels like depression, anxiety, OCD, BDD, anger, etc, and sex is just blah for a few minutes. I don’t work out anymore. I’m not motivated. I feel like I’ve now turned into a slave to a drug that has pushed me to the limits of sanity. Why work out when we can smoke and watch a movie together? I’ve blown up at my GF many times and even said she’s nothing but a pothead (guess I’m talking to myself, ehh?). Yelled and called her all sorts of names in anger outburst (2-3x related to smoking weed). It now sorta makes me angry to be doing what we do. The going to get it....all the money spent...the friends you always smoke with that are your ONLY friends. The dangers of being caught with it in the car. Can’t just have people stop by randomly. Always being in a semi hurry so we can come home to smoke. The inability to have children freely come in certain areas of the house. The dirty house we put off cleaning. The chores like simply painting a room never getting done in two years. The house almost never being clean as it should. Probably $20k in weed that could’ve replaced our roof and invested to give us a better future. I need a car soon. The desire to let my kid go do something so we can smoke. Etc etc. I feel like this $300-400/week weed addiction has not enhanced life...instead made life miserable....especially considering my mental state before and after. My high is gone but I’ve been sucked into the lifestyle of someone who has been smoking this much for 10-15 years.

At this point it’s like I wish I’d never had the thought to flippantly think weed was something to try. Although I feel it brought me to philosophical peaks I had never imagined and made me sense things in ways I never thought possible — it has ultimately left me as a shell of the person I started.

My GF still feels content with smoking though (even though she has NEVER and would NEVER let her family know) and we still do it together....it has became what we do during any down time. She also goes and smokes with friends...all her friends have smoked for 10+ years so they smoke with just her or with both of us when we are together (usually). She often has times where she can’t pay her bills and needs to borrow money. I also pay the rent and food. She pays the power bill. She does take care of the kid like a mom though as far as feeding, making sure school work is done, lunch packed, bed on time, etc.

I’m starting to feel like smoking weed 5-10 times a day (we also smoke cigs) just isn’t a sustainable way of life for too long...at least considering the depths it seems to have brought me to mentally.

ALSO, I am religious and I’m now feeling guilty for doing it or even being around people that do. It just feels like a dirty lifestyle that has left my brain ravaged — I’m seeing a psychiatrist on Monday.

I really don’t know which way to go. If my parents knew about our lifestyle they’d certainly tell me to leave ASAP. And I do feel guilty living this lifestyle and the message it could send to my child about how to cope with life. I would never want her thinking this is how you deal with life. My GF has done this for a decade now and despite being an otherwise kind, honest, loyal person I would never want my daughter to follow that path. I feel like it leads to a TON of money spent which could otherwise put her in a better financial position later in life. And I just feel like life is better lived long term 70, 80+ years without weed and a mind sharpened to deal with the dullness and excitement of life.

Thoughts?

 

Nope...we are smart at not letting anyone know. She hasn’t had any family find out for over 10 years. Anyone we smoke with isn’t connected to our families in any way and never meets any family. They themselves don’t really want it known either.

What good would outing it do? It would be freeing that those who love us know that we cope with life through weed...it’s the thing our lives revolve around. What takes 4-5 hours of our day every day for 2.5 years...10 years for her. Hours that could otherwise be spent with other family members, my child, toward career advancement, toward physical exercise, toward cleaning the house, toward paying for the roof, toward having an emergency fund where a $2k unexpected bill isn’t potentially life altering (for her). We are 30+ adults with responsibility.

She has mentioned quiting a few times but absolutely nothing comes of it. And now with my crippling depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc — I certainly don’t have the will to quit either.

BTW — I CAN afford to pay all our bills while smoking as much as we want all day.

I lived a life up until now where I never smoked or drank and I was able to save enough money to retire and live comfy by age 30 or so (without really working hard or much at all).

The thing is — weed and it’s side effects zap life of that drive it took me to become a young millionaire. It also shows me why my GF doesn’t have much money — because she has smoked since about age 18 to now with a few 4-5 month breaks over that period.

 

But money isn’t really the issue as far as our needs being met.

My GF has problems with money and HER bills....because she has lived this lifestyle for 10+ years.

I have enough money to help subsidize her income when needed. This makes sure we have enough money for all the weed and food we want. So we smoke 5, 6, 7 or 8+ times per day.

BUT — we COULD move so much further financially without the time and money spent on weed. Not to mention the mental issues it has caused. We could be BETTER family members. BETTER parents. BETTER home. We could live in a gated community. We would have nicer cars.

but weed seems to rule all.

and it now has me with all kinds of mental issues.

 

I was grossed out at what I had did....with this particular lady.

 

With people I’m not attracted to?

 

It sounds like you are saying anything possible to deflect from marijuana causing serious issues in my life.

And yes, I will “answer” to my parents until the day I die. Sorry, but I come from a religious background where parents are honored and valued. If a certain thing dominates life to a certain degree — I feel obligated to have them know instead of living in the dark. Especially with the onset of mental conditions it has brought out.

 

Not to mention how the time and money spent smoking has taken away from the quality of life my child could possibly have.

 

Im in my 30s. Age 25 was the first time I smoked — and not again until years later.

Now I smoke daily as much as I want basically and have a slew of mental conditions.

Everyone that’s pro weed always says weed isn’t a factor. I’m at the point where I see it as a hard drug, but I’m sorta addicted to it along with my GF who has been smoking for for 12+ years this much.

 

I basically gave a run down of all my interactions with weed.